THE SCENE
I’m lying on an exam table at my ob. I’m five weeks pregnant and got an early appointment because I had a ton of cramping.
DOCTOR (TO NURSE)
Do you believe this?
NURSE
That’s twice this week.
ME
(panicked)
Is something wrong??
DOCTOR
(pointing to a back hole on the sonogram screen)
See this?
(points to another black hole)
And this?
And that’s how I found out I was having twins.
The weeks that followed were like one long flu. Only unlike the flu, I knew that I wouldn’t be better in a day, or even a week. I felt like absolute hell, and knew I’d feel exactly the same tomorrow.
I gained a whole new appreciation for people with chronic illness. I found myself wanting to read stories about people in awful situations like concentration camps or living with cancer to remind myself that there were others far worse off than me.
But instead I puked, ate, and slept (in bed, on the floor of my children’s playroom, in the doctor’s office, and possibly at a stoplight).
The few people I told about the twins had to decipher what I was saying through my tears. We had expected a #3, but the idea of a #3 and #4 hadn’t occurred to me on any level. And I didn’t have time to look on the bright side because I was too busy puking.
My bedroom became a black hole. Feeling so exhausted reminded me of depression, which terrified me. I could hear my two boys (ages 3 and 4) playing downstairs with the babysitter and felt immensely guilty, and wondered how I’d ever have the strength to mother not just two but four children. Needless to say, it was a shitty time.
A friend told me about Zofran, the anti-nausea medication, and by week 10 or so I was able to make it to my office for a few hours before retreating to the black hole for the rest of the day.
And then, on week 11, something miraculous happened — my mom arrived. A week or so later I found myself wanting to make a to-do list. And things have been gradually looking up ever since then.
I can’t imagine how people get through the first trimester of a twin pregnancy while holding down a full time job, commuting, or being a stay at home mom with no babysitter. I can’t imagine how people do this without telling anyone. I can’t imagine how people do this more than once.
Today, I bid my first trimester goodbye.
And with that must come some gratitude.
I have two very wiggly healthy babies who are exactly the same size and exactly where they should be at 13 weeks 6 days. I have a husband who came home early to help me, and then worked well into the night. I have a mom who dropped everything to come run my household, a step mom who came to keep my boys busy, and friends who texted me daily and others who dropped off bags and bags of maternity clothes. I have a business I love that fortunately didn’t implode while I was doing time in the black hole. And two little boys who are thrilled that I’m having twins because “we each get our own baby.”
Thank you for your gifts, first trimester.
I’m so glad we will never meet again.
Oh my love, this brought tears to my eyes. So very glad you are coming out the other side. This is what it’s all about, eh? Letting the horrible just be horrible, learning from it when it shifts into something else. Leaning into our supports. Love! And yay 2nd trimester!!
“Letting the horrible be horrible.” Love how you worded that, Sarah.
Just brought tears to my eyes…the beauty of life, tribes and community!
xo
Congratulations on your twin pregnancy! I discovered mine at 26 weeks gestation and to say that it was a surprise is a huge understatement. I thought I was having my second baby– I was not emotionally prepared to have a second and third!
Being a parent is so much about taking things day by day but my twins taught me that is an absolute necessity. You will have moments (like you did during this trimester) where you feel like you will never survive. That the demands on your physical and emotional capabilities will be more than you can handle. You will fill like you have no reserve. In the beginning, it won’t seem possible so take things minute by minute. Then all of a sudden you’ll be in the position I’m in now- three and a half years out and proud and amazed that not only did you survive those first 18 months BUT ALL your children are thriving.
It’s an awesome thing being a mom to multiples and I’m sure you’ll be great!
Sam thank you for the insightful comment. I think I’ll post the words “minute by minute” somewhere in my kitchen to remind myself that that’s all we need to do when we’re in the thick of it.
I am so happy for you for so many reasons! You are going to do this! Your twins came 3rd because now you know not to sweat the small stuff. Congratulations!
Thank you, Esther — And thanks for the big hug last night, too!