Just over two months ago, I wrote about my unexpected desire to become a stay at home mom.
Since that post, I have been working on listening to what my soul wants–without judging it, without letting “rational” arguments push it away, and without letting myself veer off-course every time something awesome happens at the office.
(It’s so easy to keep saying “‘I’ll just finish this one really cool project and then I’ll make the move.” That could go on forever.)
At first, I would only tap in to my deep desires late at night, or when talking to a sage woman friend of mine who is almost twice my age.
When daylight would come, I would think back to all those silly thoughts I had the night before and shove them under the pillow. But as I’ve spent more time inviting in the “what-if’s,” it’s flipped–it’s hard to stop thinking about anything else but the new life I’ve committed to.
Sometimes the things our soul wants the most are the things we reject the strongest.
A friend asked me a year and a half ago if I wanted to stay at home. “Absolutely not,” I blurted. It was such a strong, immediate reaction that it raised a little flag for me. But I ignored it.
Besides, I rationalized, I was just regaining my strength after dealing with a mean blow of postpartum anxiety. Staying home with two children under two seemed far more terrifying than just going to work.
This summer that my husband posed the idea to me: What if you stayed home?, even then, I didn’t feel a big Yes! That’s it! But this time I decided to consider it.
“Considering it” for me means mountains of research, talking to the wise woman I mentioned, and trying to push aside all the external forces/judgements/”are you crazy” looks I get from friends.
Since allowing my thinking to shift over the past couple of months, I went from “absolutely not” to wanting it so badly that living in my old life has felt like wearing jeans two sizes too small–making me feel uncomfortable and antsy in my “old life.”
It’s like I can see my children’s babyhood disappearing right before my eyes, and if I don’t inhale as much of it as I possibly can, quick, it will be gone forever.
So I’m cleaning out my desk. We are interviewing people to help take over my workload at the office. And I’m promising my boys that soon, mommy will be home.
I’m taking the leap. Stick around for the new adventure.